Grief & The Holidays: A Time of Challenge & Hope

REMEMBERING

Soon it will be holiday time again and reminders of their loss are everywhere for those who are grieving. Traditionally this is a time of joy, sharing of memories, warmth, peace, and coming together in love.

For those who are grieving, the holidays are also a vivid reminder of those that are so dearly missed. Add to this the common expectation that all should be as it was and many grieving families find the holiday season to be the most difficult time of the year. 

The period after the death of a loved one is a journey through grief. We cannot forget and we cannot bury the pain. It is not easy. Our hearts, minds and bodies are grieving and not functioning in their full capacities, as though part of us is missing. 

Yet, we don’t have to hide from our experience of grief. These are natural feelings–they are all a part of the process–we can share them, we can accept them, we can feel them.

WAYS OF COPING

As the holidays approach, start with a blank slate. Accept that you may not have the energy or inclination to accomplish all the things that you or others have come to expect during the holidays. 

Rather than do things automatically, discuss and think about what you really want to do, what you don’t want to do, and what will be difficult but you want to try. We encourage people not to be afraid to make changes in traditions or start new ones.

Equally important is to acknowledge how you feel. It will be a sad time. Many recently bereaved worry they will spoil the holidays for others. According to families Pathways has counseled, the most painful thing is when they try to keep their feelings inside.

If friends or family members take the initiative to talk about the person who has died, it relieves the tension and creates an opportunity for sharing.

MANAGING YOUR GRIEF 

While there are no universal methods for healing and coping, there are some concrete things you can do that may make the holidays easier and provide an opportunity to honor those you love who have died.

  
Acknowledge your grief; accept yourself in whatever mood you find yourself.

• Remember you are not alone. Attend a remembrance event or grief support group.
• Make some personal choices based on your level and what is right for you.
• Give yourself permission to let go of certain traditions–it’s okay to make changes.
• Share your plans with others; let them know how they can help you.
• Reserve time to honor your loved quietly, alone or with others: light a candle, place a photograph on the table, share memories, make a memorial donation.

And finally, as you navigate through your grief this holiday season keep your loved one in your heart and remember to care for yourself.

Grief: A Process

Feeling a Loss

Grief is the emotional suffering caused by a loss. It often begins before the loss, like the sadness upon learning that a resident or a loved one does not have long to live.  Spouses and others grieve for the companionship they will lose and dreams that won’t happen, that life will be changed forever.

Natural Process

Grief is a natural part of life. People express it in their own ways.  There is no timetable for grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It can come and go. 

Grief takes different forms at different times.  At first, the bereaved person may feel disbelief and expect to see their loved one even though they know the person is gone. 

They may also feel anger at being “abandoned” by the loved one.  Or they may feel guilt—for the anger, for still being here, or for things they may have said or done (or didn’t say or do).  These feelings are all normal.

When to Get Help

But there are times when grief is so intense or so prolonged that the health of the bereaved person is at risk.  There are some signs that let us know a person may need help in coping with their grief.

Although deep sadness is a natural part of bereavement, in some individuals death triggers a lasting depression that may cause withdrawal from friends and family, thoughts of suicide and lack of energy.   This is one of the times when outside help is needed.

Mild weight loss, fatigue, insomnia and anxiety may be expected early on.  But it may be time for the grieving person to see their doctor or a mental health professional if after three months or so you see:

• Intense feelings are not starting to lighten.
• Excessive weight gain or weight loss.
• More than 12 or less than 4 hours sleep a night.
• Constant crying.

For more information about grief support services available at no cost from Pathways, visit us online at www.pathwayshealth.org or call 1.888.755.7855.

Grief and the Holidays

Remembering

With the holidays come reminders of their loss for those who are grieving.  Others are savoring a time of joy, sharing memories, and coming together in love. For those who are grieving, the holidays are a vivid reminder of who is NOT there.

Many grieving people find this the most difficult time of the year.  They cannot forget and cannot bury the pain.  Their hearts, minds and bodies are grieving and not functioning in their full capacities, as though part of them is missing.  These are natural feelings—they are all a part of the process—they can share them, accept them, and feel them.

Ways of Coping

 
As the holidays approach, it may help for those who are grieving to start with a blank slate. Accept that they may not have the energy or desire to accomplish all the things that people have come to expect during the holidays.

Rather than do things automatically, they can discuss and think about what they really want to do, what they don’t want to do, and what will be difficult but they want to try anyway.  Grief experts encourage people not to be afraid to change traditions or start new ones.

Equally important is to acknowledge how one feels.  Many recently bereaved worry they will spoil the holidays for others.  According to families Pathways has counseled, the most painful thing is when they try to keep their feelings inside. 

If friends or family members take the initiative to talk about the person who has died, it relieves the tension and creates an opportunity for sharing. 

Managing Grief

 
While there are no universal methods for healing and coping, there are some concrete things a person can do that may make the holidays easier and provide an opportunity to honor loved ones who have died.  

Grieving families can:

• Acknowledge the grief; accept whatever mood occurs.
• Remember they are not alone.  Attend a remembrance event or grief support group.
• Give themselves permission to let go of certain traditions—it’s okay to make changes.
• Share plans with others; let them know how they can help.
• Reserve time to honor the loved one quietly, alone or with others—light a candle, place a photograph on the table, share memories, or make a memorial donation.

And finally, grieving family members should remember to care for themselves at this time.